Ten things to remember when entering the bar scene

I spent last week in New York visiting friends. Most of the evenings were spent in the neighborhood bars. I love hanging out at bars with my friends -- nothing better than cold beer, a jukebox filled with decent music, a game on the TV, and the always entertaining discussions that take place when hanging out with my friends.

On the other hand, I've never been entirely comfortable hanging out at bars, surrounded by strangers. So some nights were fine, but on a few nights things got crowded and crazy and I would find myself alone at the bar, or rather sitting at the bar surrounded by people who made me wish I was alone.

Here are some observations/anecdotes/suggestions that I have compiled based on two particular nights at the bar. You might find them funny or pretenious. Whatever. But maybe to someone, they will be mildly useful to the clueless out there seeking the interest of an uninterested bar patron.

1) If I say yes, the ring on my left hand symbolizes a committed relationship, that means I'm not available as far as you are concerned. I wear a ring on my left hand, on the finger where most people wear their wedding rings. I wear this ring on purpose. No, I'm not married, but I don't consider myself to be single, therefore I'm not available and I'm certainly not looking. The ring should serve as a simple way of letting people know this. "Should" being the key word there.

"So is he a good guy?" I'm asked after I explain the ring does serve as a symbol of being in a committed relationship. WTF am I expected to say? No, he's not, you're probably better, let me take off this ring, toss aside my beliefs about fidelity and find out. If I were looking for a replacement, wouldn't I have left my ring at home?

"The situation works for me," I say, trying to sound dismissive. I don't feel the need to explain my relationship status to this person that I've known for less than ten minutes.

"Well, I thought that girls weren't supposed to wear rings on that finger unless they were married," he slurs. Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I haven't read your rule book.

2) If I mention that I love books, that they are a huge part of my life, I am not at all impressed by your statement that you've never read a book followed by asinine questions about books that only illustrate the fact that you have never read a book. It's not funny, it's sad. I wasn't joking when I said I love books. In fact, I have little to no interest in spending time around a person who knows nothing about books and has no respect for them.

3) Leering at my breasts is not amusing, not at all. A story was being told about a guy dating a woman with lopsided breasts, the way the story went was one was an A cup the other a C. After spending some time around the person telling the story, I think it is safe to assume that he exaggerated a bit. Creepy old man at the table zooms in on my breasts and says, "Was it you?" Ha, ha, ha - not. Instead - gross, gross, gross. He got no laughter out of me. He got my best "go to hell look" and I crossed my arms over my chest and started looking for another place to sit. Stay the f*ck away from me, Mr. Trollman. I've never been one of those people who finds the dirty, old man to be endearing.

4) Asking if I smoke weed is not an effective pickup line. It might work for some people, has the exact opposite effect on me. I'd just spent the last five minutes discussing the difficulty of preparing students for standardized tests. I thought I was in the midst of a semi-intelligent discussion. That would be a little hypocritical of me to be extolling the values of education and then partaking in something that has such a negative effect on learning. And it does, you know it does. No judgement, some of my favorite people smoke the stuff, but I don't.

5) Also, asking me to bail on lunch with a friend to have lunch with you instead is not an effective tactic. Do you want to hang out with the sort of person who has no qualms about canceling on friends at the last minute? Isn't that something of a character flaw you'd want to avoid in a potential lunch companion?

6) Another approach that doesn't work at all – insulting the sports team or players I support. For example, lame dude in the bar asks where I'm from. Dallas, I say.

"Well, let me say in advance, sorry about losing the super bowl this year," he slurs in his drunken way.

I roll my eyes and look away, hoping he'll take a hint and leave. Suddenly the replay of the Knicks/Sonics game on the HDTV is much more interesting than this conversation.

"I said, sorry about losing the super bowl this year," he says again, wanting a reaction. "Did you see my hat?" he points to his Boston Red Sox hat. What does that mean? I want to say, "Oh, okay, you're from Boston which means you have no choice but to be an arrogant jackass? What are you trying to prove? They don't teach you manners in New England?" Us, backwards Texans forget things like that. I'm well aware of New England's perfect record and the fact that up until this week, they were the only team that had beat the Cowboys this season. But I can't help but think that if your team was handed the most severe penalty in NFL history for illegal behavior, i.e. cheating, that maybe you shouldn't brag too much about all the "winning" they do. But I'm not going to say anything because, remember, I'm from Texas, where we're taught to be polite. Besides, I don't want to talk to this person and I'm also a strong believer in that saying about not arguing with a fool. I sort of chuckle and continue to ignore him, hoping he'll go away.

I don't have a problem with differing opinions, those are the basis for interesting, thought-provoking adult conversations. But saying rude things about my team does not make for an intellectual debate. It's just, well, rude.

7) Saying bad things about Dirk Nowitzki will not only get you nowhere with me, it might get you slapped. There is only so much Texas-bred polite in me. "Nowitzki is the softest MVP ever," says a guy noticing Dirk's picture on the cover of the sports section in my hand. "Stop, just stop," I said in a way that indicated that I meant business.

8) If I tell you I'm watching the game, leave me alone and let me watch the game. It's my nice way of saying I don't want to talk to you. Also, bitching to my friend that I'm more interested in Steve Nash's chipped tooth than you doesn't score you any points, it only brings more attention to the fact that you're annoying and I've been trying to give you hints that I'm not interested.

9) And most importantly, if I don't know you, don't touch me. Just don't, especially if I've given you absolutely no indication that I want you any closer to me than you already are. This cold, hostile bitch act that I have going on, it's not an act. I'm not playing hard to get, I am really this cold and hostile and I want you to go away and keep your nasty hands to yourself.

10) The most important rule - learn to take a hint. It will save you and me both a huge amount of awkwardness and embarrassment. Men are always complaining about women being rude. Maybe it's because we tried to nicely let you know our feelings and you didn't get it so we had to resort to saying, "Get the hell away from me, loser!" Really, it's not that difficult. I've never been accused of giving mixed signals. Honestly, if anyone has ever thought I was giving off any sort of signals, it was most likely wishful thinking. Believe, if we're interested, we'll let you know...